Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Eraserhead

Henry Spencer's Guide to Dating, Parenting, and Everything In Between ;)


Dear Henry,

I've been invited to my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, but I'm so nervous! I had sex with their daughter, like, two weeks ago and I'm afraid they know about it. How should I handle this?
Scared of Angry Parents


Well, SOAP, first thing you should remember that married women are constantly horny. DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS! It is vital to your future relationship with this young lady that you do not fornicate with her mother.

Also, a great way to avoid any kid of fracas with the parents is to ignore just about everythign you see and hear. This includes: people speaking to you, your girlfriend crying, people staring at you, your girlfriend having a seizure, your girlfriend's mother having a seizure, catatonic grandmothers, dancing Cornish hens, dogs nursing their young, and copious amounts of blood in any capacity.

And, if the parents find out you've been diddling their pride and joy, marry the young lady with as little enthusiasm as possible.




Dear Henry,

My wife has recently given birth to a half-camel, half-cream-of-wheat sin against god. We're very proud and happy, but how do we get it to stop crying and laughing at our misery in the middle of the night? I have to work in the morning!

My Baby Is a Sin Of Nature


Wow, MBISON, crying babies can be the pits! But there are a few secret tricks that can help.

First, kick out your obnoxious bitch of a wife. She doesn't do anything but complain and feed the baby chocolate pudding anyway!

Next, have an affair with your slutty next door neighbor right in front of the child. This is important for two reasons: A) It shows the baby who wears the pants in this one-bedroom apartment and B) It is fun.

You may want to consider never picking up the baby under any circumstances ever. Babies are whiny little bitches and will do anything for attention. If you think there might be something wrong with your baby, take it's temperature and examine its face/inside of its lungs for syphilitic sores. Babies can get into some crazy shit sometimes!




Henry,

I've been having this weird sexual fantasy lately. It involves a hamster-cheeked monster girl in 50s-style attire dancing and singing while gleefully stomping my sperm to death. What does this mean? Am I normal?

Hot For Radiators


Hm, sounds pretty normal to me. Make sure you ejaculate on someone's leg while they're sleeping. You know, to PROVE you're not crazy.
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