Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bahai PR

Recently, I had a buddy of mine, a dear buddy, have his marriage proposal go unapproved by the consenting female's parents. The reason for their matrimonial dismissal? His wacky religion, Bahai.

What is Bahai you ask? How the fuck should I know? As a copywriter, my duty is not to understand something or even make a moral judgment on it, but to sell it, and so, with this in mind, I have come up with a few ideas towards making Bahai SUPAAMAZING.

1) The Bahai Kids Hour: Starring Bahee the Giraffe and the Obscure Religion Gang! -- Join Bahee as he goes on zany adventures and other business of the sort, spreading the basic principles of Bahai, such as...Well, I'm sure there are some good ones. Probably some crap about love or whatever. The point is, there will be talking animals.

2) Celebrity Endorsement -- If there's an obscure religion out there, there's a celebrity out there who will vapidly endorse it. Scientology, paganism, Sanjayaism, Sesame Street Satanism; you name it. The trick is to find the right kind of celebrity to endorse it. You know, somebody somewhat normal. What's William H. Macy doing these days? He doesn't suck yet does he? How about that Fred Savage character? He seems likeable enough. Is Flava Flav available?

3) Bahailand Theme Park -- It's the Bahaist place on Earth! Whatever that means. Eat delicious Bahai-themed food! Including...well everyone already knows what members of the Bahai faith eat, so I won't waste your time by listing all the delicious (?) foods available. There's also tons of Bahai rides, like the spinning coffee cup ride (teacups are forbidden in Bahai) or the Bahai rollercoaster (which is completely flat to emphasize Bahai's stable nature).

4) Take out the Shriners -- This is a great idea for several reasons. Firstly, conquering another small group of is a great way to establish dominance over other small groups. It's a lot like kicking somebody's ass on your first day in prison or taking the only blue crayon in kindergarten (Nobody fucks with Robin's Egg Blue!) Secondly, it will help draw attention to just how goddamn weird Shriners are, and thereby make Bahai look better by comparison. I mean, what is the deal with those hats and the tiny cars? Don't even get me started on the questionable relationship they keep with children (especially disabled ones! Shame on you!)

Well, there you have it. If this doesn't help bring Bahai into the spotlight, well then I guess my friend is going to have to find in-laws with more Bahaiy tendencies (Have you tried bahaisingles.com?)
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