Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Quick Update on the Dating Site Bet

Lava Life has essentially waged a fierce battle within my soul and bearing flags with two cursive "L"s on them, has emerged victorious. I am consistently on LL now, trying to optimize my sexy bastard quotient. Will this picture look good in my gallery or in my backstage? Which particular wording of "I like to write" will promise me the highest smile bounty? Is a picture of my penis inappropriate or just right? These are questions that will no doubt keep me awake and distract me from the original goal of this thing, which was to make money to eat food. Oh well.

We now have six people participating in the debt, with some I have yet to solicit with this sick, twisted game. I'm going to ask my little sister to get in on the bet, effectively making me the worst person alive. Alex is attempting the "Get one or two dates and win" strategy by monopolizing Craigslistland, an objective I can only define as "seedy" at best and "seeing what's under the bottom of the barrel" at worst. Jenn is working the "play the field" angle, whoring herself out to both male, female, and "male and female" on gay.com. I'm doing what I do best, which is mostly nothing. I am also ultra surprised that nobody has touched Single Parent Love Life, but only because you're all so good with children.

The pot is at $30, which is no small sum for a $5 investment. Tell your friends.

Dating Site Betting Rules

So here's the deal: I have recently been assigned a 20-article series to review dating websites. Now, I'm required to sign up for a free account, take a look around and write a short article. My idea is that instead of signing up for twenty different accounts, I can get some of you guys to do it for me.
Yes, you read that right. I am tricking you into doing work for me.
Now here's where the bet comes in. The rules are simple. Each person will take one website on a first-come, first-serve basis. Whoever receives the most "attention" (more on that later) will win the bet. The dollar amount is going to be $5 per person, which isn't a whole lot, but I anticipate at least five people getting in on this, maybe more, because I know for a fact that some of you don't have enough to do with your time.

Official Rules
- Bet is $5 per person. All money collected will go to one winner (we'll figure out how it gets there later)
- Each person can only have one account on one website.
- You absolutely do not have to tell the truth. Let me repeat that. LYING IS ALLOWED. If you want to pretend you volunteer at a Children's Hospital, fine. If you want to act like you play the guitar, whatever. (The reason lying is allowed is because it's impossible to trace everyone's accounts and say, "oh, you don't like poetry that much. This is cheating." With me?) For everyone who lives in Springfield and/or Macomb, I suggest you pretend you live in Chicago or another big city to significantly increase your chances.
- There is, however, one lie you cannot tell, and that is your profile picture. YOUR PROFILE PICTURE MUST BE OF YOU OR NOT AT ALL.
- All contestants MUST be locked in by midnight on Sunday (Nov 4th). You don't have to pay the $5, but you must register your account. The reason for this is that I do have a deadline with this, so I can't wait around forever for people to start their accounts.
- Contest ends at midnight on Nov 18th. All points will be tallied and a winner will be declared after that.
- Everyone must tell me which website they want to sign up for and then tell me what username they picked. We'll all use the same password - "zoidberg". I'll log onto your account once to review the website, then again at the end to tally the scores. I WILL NOT MESS WITH YOUR ACCOUNT.
- I'm not positive on the payment system for some of these websites. You don't have to pay (in fact, it's not encouraged) and if your website only offers a 1-week trial or something like that, we'll get you a new one.
- New Rule: Yes, you can flirt and date both guys and girls.
- New Rule: If you find a dating site you like that's not on the list, go ahead and add yourself and then tell me. In the same breath, I've added craigslist and okcupid to the current list. If anyone knows of any more sites, please let me know and I'll add them.

Points System
One Point - Some websites offer "one-button interaction" -- things like the poke in facebook. Lava Life has "smiles" for instance and one websites has "icebreakers". If you send a one-button interaction to someone and they return it (poke for poke) you get one point.
Two Points - You'll receive two points for every unsolicited one-button interaction you get.
Three Points - If someone replies to an email or message you sent them, you'll get three points.
Five Points - If someone sends you an unsolicited email or message, you'll get five points.
Seven Points - If you get a phone number or an instant messenger name, you'll get seven points.
Twenty Points - If you go on an actual date and can provide adequate proof, you'll get twenty points. Potential acceptable proof will be -- An email/phone message confirming the date, a third party seeing the person leave or return with their date, or the general consensus of a close community that the person went on a date (I have Washington Hall in mind). What you do beyond going on the actual date is inconsequential to the bet, but may be a fun night anyway.

General Dating
Lava Life - Kevin
eHarmony - Diego (No messages)
Match.com - Daya
American Singles - Diego
Yahoo! Personals - Jeff A.
okcupid.com - Meredith
Craigslist - Alex
impersonals.com - Nicole
flirt.com -

Religious
Christian Mingle -
Catholic Mingle -
Baptists Singles -
Adventist Singles -

Gay
Gay.com - Jenn
Pink Cupid -

Misc.
Latino Singles Connection -
Jewish Mingle -
Black Singles -
Interracial Singles Connection -
Greek Singles Connection -
Asian Singles Connection -
Italian Singles Connection -
Single Parent Love Life -

At first glance, you may think that the general dating sites are the best bet, and this isn't necessarily true. Common wisdom says that it is easier to get a date within certain communities because, speaking in scientific terms, the pickings is slim. People on Asian Singles Connection want to date other Asians, and if you can pull off the look, your chances are pretty good with this crowd. Also, be prepared to deal with some groups that may have lowered their expectations. I'm not going to come right out and say it, but I think you know which group I'm talking about.

Ok, that's it. The point of this is to have fun with it and not so much the money. Right now I have three people in, so it's already a 3-1 return on your money. Not only with this be damn funny, but let's face it, we could use some help.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Brilliant Ideas - I Am a Bottomless Well of Costume Ideas

#18 - Pants suit with pumps (Hillary Clinton)
#19 - Old guy with sweater and glasses and soothing voice. Pair people up at the party (Old guy from eHarmony commercials)
#20 - Wear a pair of glasses and as much white as possible. Carry a large book around with you. (Wikipedia)
#21 - Wear army fatigues and a helmet. Carry around a pad of paper and talk like you're from the homeland. Have a Japanese bullet in your head. (Inappropriate joke about Ernie Pyle that would've gotten your ass kicked in 1945)
#22 - Witch's costume (Hillary Clinton)
#23 - A map of the world with little green men glued to it. (Risk)
#24 - White sequined suit with lettuce sticking out of the sleeves and neck (Elvis Parsley)
#25 - Low-cut dress with pumps (Slutty Hillary)
#25 - Shirt that says "College" on it. Bottle of Jack in your hand. Fish mask. Webbed hands. (Creature from the Belushi Lagoon)
#26 - Goatee. Ponytail. Things with NPR label on them. Organic latte. The New York Times. (Seattelite)
#27 - Low-cut dress with pumps (Rudy Gulliani)
#28 - Low-cut white dress with large book (Slutty Wikipedia)
#29 - Chicken costume with horns, forked tail and pitchfork (EL POLLO DIABLO)
#30 - Low-cut dress with pumps (Slut)

Brilliant Ideas - Spin

#16 - Ever notice how whenever people are talking about saving starving children, they like to point out that they can be fed, clothed and sheltered for less than a dollar a day?
#17 - Ever notice how whenever people are talking about children working in sweatshops, they like to point out that they only make $1 a day and how terrible that is?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Brilliant Ideas - Cultural Revenge

#14 - Remember how I said that foreigners can get Americans to believe anything? My Moroccan roommate has successfully tricked me into thinking that all Moroccans eat with their hands. Bastard.
#15 - Jokes on him though. He can't pronounce my last name.

5 Second Music Reviews Gaiden

Just wanted to let everyone know that you can now click on the titles of albums in the "5 Second Review" post and it'll go straight to my Multiply Page, where you can listen to every song. You'll need an account, but guess what? That shit is 100% free, yo.
Thank you Kevin.
You're welcome, peons.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

How I Feel About Things and Junk and Stuff, Part Three - Rob That Squirrel of Its Juices and Drink 'Em

Have you ever been watching the Discovery Channel or the Travel Channel, maybe even Food Network, and there's a section about something weird that someone overseas likes to eat and they call it a "delicacy"?

"Why is 'Squirrel Urine' on this menu?"
"It's a delicacy in Quebec."
"Oh, well in that case, I'll take two pints of acorn-flavored piss."
"Very good. And would you like the brown or the gray squirrel?"

What I want to know is, what kind of "delicacies" do we have here in America? Is there a French guy sitting on his couch somewhere, watching Un Networke de Food, saying, "Sacre Bleau! Tomatoes? On their 'amburgres? Those disgusting Americannes."

I mean, I understand that some religions forbid the dining upon of certain animals, but I don't think they made these rules because their gods thought the animals tasted bad. Mosaic Law doesn't dictate that Jewish people shouldn't eat pigs because they're "not too tasty". (I would also like to know the Jewish ruling on acorn-flavored piss. I understand pigs are considered unclean, but what about a cool glass of nut pee?)

So here's my idea: let's play a joke on the world. In fact, let's play the same joke they play on us whenever those National Geographic cameras show up:

"Hey dude, here comes those National Geographic guys again. Let's mess with them."
"C'mon man, we already got them to believe that women don't wear shirts here, what else can we do?"
"Eat this beetle."
"No way, they'll never buy that."
"Trust me. We're like circus freaks to them. They'll believe anything."

What I'm suggesting is that we take an animal that is prolific in North American life (the more exclusive the better). Monkeys' brains, for instance, is a good example of this "delicacy" thing being weird to us, mainly because, scientifically speaking, dey ain't no monkeys here. Next, after we have a specie of animal, we need to exclude all other members of the specie, except for a specific part. For instance, "Americans love to eat raccoon tails, but only albino raccoons from South Carolina," or, "Hirsute armadillos are a rare delicacy in American cuisine."

What I predict will happen is that this will generate something like a Cuisine Cold War with each nation in the world trying to "out-weird" the other with food.

"Us South Africans love to eat elephant tusks."
"Oh yeah? Well I'm from Thailand, and I love to eat myself."

Brilliant Ideas - Profunditry

#12 - Is it appropriate to bite Jesus if you met him on the street? I mean, the dude wanted you to eat his flesh right? So if you see him, and you're hungry, should you chomp on the J-Man? Would it be awkward if you didn't? Like, would he be standing there sticking his thigh out with a come hither look in his eye while you went for the more traditional handshake? I hope I'm never in this position.
#13 - I wonder what burritos look like on the inside.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Brilliant Idea #11

#11 - Small Business Venture: Go to Seattle. Note the abundance of "organic" food. Collect rainwater in tub. Sell as "Organic Water". Get enough money to buy overpriced espresso from one of many Starbucks.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

How I Feel About Things and Stuff and Junk, Part Two - The Birth of Lankey Stew

Like most of you, I was cursed with a godawful name: Kevin Stanley Warzala. The only thing this name is fit for renting out porno videos somewhere in the Soviet bloc. There's no rhythm. It doesn't pop. It even sounds creepy. Maybe if my first name had been "Vlad" or something I could pass for a Romanian vampire, but no, my parents had to name me after a guy they knew in high school that ran the AV club.
Not only that, but I'm aware of many people in the world that have discarded their perfectly awesome names for something less than cool. Cassius Clay, for instance, just rolls off the tongue. Peter Parker, also catchy. This upsets me greatly, because the list of people who have made up names for themselves is way longer. Peter Parker, you greedy bastard. You didn't need "Spider-Man," so let one of us poor schmucks use it.
That is why today I will be trying to come up with a decent nom de plume to join the ranks of those such as Mark Twain, Lemony Snicket, Lewis Carroll, and JK Rowling (who doesn't have a middle name, the fucking liar). But I don't just want to make shit up. I'm a writer, that's not what I'm good at. But I am very interested in creating an anagram of my name that sounds better than my real name.

Potential Anagram Pen Names
Vikter Zaaanney Walls
Steve Ray Kaan Win Lazy
Steve Azrial Wanankly
and my personal favorite....
Lankey Stew Razvinala

Fuck it, I'm taking Spider-Man.

Brilliant Ideas #5-10

#5 - Fashion: Fanny pack
#6 - Moneysaver: Fanny pack at a buffet
#7 - Lifesaver: Fanny pack in the wild
#8 - Pity: Fanny pack at job interview
#9 - Pity (in a good way): Fanny pack at a strip club
#10 - Preparation: Fanny pack filled with fanny packs

Saturday, October 20, 2007

5 Second Music Reviews

The Weakerthans - Reunion Tour
You are not Ben Folds. Stop trying to be.

Between the Buried and Me - Colors
Experimental is not cool.

Baroness - The Red Album
Why does hippie music go on foreeeeeveeer. So damn tedious.

The Bled - Silent Treatment
ALBUM OF THE YEAR. Well no, probably not, but it's up there.
Yes, I am aware it is October. No, I do not care.

Vanessa Carlton - Heroes and Thieves
Download "Hands on Me". Listen to it five times. Delete.

Hurt - Vol. II
Hurt is really going at being really soft and slow and then very suddenly rocking your face off.

Arch Enemy - Rise of the Tyrant
Very cool. Are they from Europe? I don't know, but they're good.

Drop Dead Gorgeous - Worse Than a Fairy Tale
ALBUM OF THE YEAR. Well, no, I guess this isn't album of the year, either. But it's good too.

Thousand Foot Krutch - The Flame in All of Us
I like TFK a lot more when they don't try to be hard rock, because they're not. They don't try so hard here, and it's a good thing.

Hot Hot Heat - Happiness LTD.
I am so glad I'm not a fan of this album. I don't think I could look myself in the mirror if I liked even one song, ok, maybe two songs. Alright, three songs. No more than three songs.

Sixx AM - The Heroine Diaries
Do you like their song on the radio? Good. Listen to it and don't bother with the rest of their garbage.

The Black Dhalia Murder - Nocturnal
I wish I liked hardcore more than I do, because then I would like this album more than I do.

Every Time I Die - The Big Dirty
You SUCK! You suckdiddly-uck, Flanders! Why do people like you?

The Forecast - In the Shadow of Two Gunman
ALBUM OF THE YEAR. Seriously, I mean it this time. Totally awesome. This really is the album of the year (in a six-way tie with In This Moment, Drop Dead Gorgeous, The Bled, From Autumn to Ashes and The Devil Wears Prada and probably many more)



Albums That Were Not Even Worth Mentioning
River City Rebels - Keepsake of Luck
Himsa - Summon in Thunder
High on Fire - Death in Communication
Life Once Lost - Iron Gag
Bring Me the Horizon - This is What the Edge of Your Seat Was Made For
Foo Fighters - Echoes Silence Patience Grace

Brilliant Ideas #1-4

#1 - Timesaver: Eat raw Malt-o-Meal
#2 - Timesaver: Eat raw rice
#3 - Time/moneysaver: Prevent fork washing by eating eggs with hands
#4 - Timesaver: Eat raw eggs

How I Feel About Things and Stuff and Junk, Part One - No, You Fucking Don't

I would much rather have a diabolical laugh as opposed to a maniacal one.

A lot of people throw these words around like they know what they mean. Well let me tell you something, you don't. No, you fucking don't. You use these words synonymously to mean "evil and scary" when in fact, neither word means "evil and scary".

The word "maniacal" stems from the word "maniac". Now, a maniac is someone who is silly, wacky or very serious on the dance floor. Is that the kind of intimidating, evil laughter you want? Do you want to verbally ejaculate a maniacal laugh in the face of your enemies, only to have them comment, "Boy, I bet he sure can cut a rug." No, you fucking don't. This type of laugh is more closely related to a small child laughing about something that really is funny only to it. God, I hate that. We get it, kid. Spongebob lives in a fucking pineapple. Stop laughing already.

Now, "diabolical," there's a laugh I can get behind. Diabolical's root word is actually El Diablo. Now an El Diablo is the devil, but not just any old devil, we're talking about The Latin Devil. The Latin Devil is much cooler than the Anglo-Devil, who does nothing but try and trick people into giving them their souls.

List of people that have outsmarted Anglo-Devil:
Brendon Fraser
Homer Simpson
Keanu Reeves
Dan'l Webster (wiki that shit, yo)
That Guy from Seventh Seal (I never saw it)
Anne Hathaway, etc., etc.

With all these people outsmarting Anglo-Devil, you have to wonder how he stays in business. I mean, Keanu Reeves for christ's sake? Do you want your laughter to sound like the guy that got beat by Keanu Reeves? No, you fucking don't. But The Latin Devil, do you know how many people beat him in a battle of wits? Zero, because El Diablo doesn't bother with that shit. He doesn't waste time with games of chess or courtrooms or being super-duper-hot like Elizabeth Hurley. No sir. The only thing he wastes is bitches, which in The Latin Devil's language sounds more like los bitches.

Play me to the desk.
*Diabolical Laughter*


PS - About five minutes after I posted this, I dictionary.com-ed "diabolical" and learned that the root word really IS "devil". This pisses me off.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Central Illinois: A Logical Prognostication

So now that the apocalypse has come and gone, we can once again being worrying about the simpler things in life, such as food and shelter. The best time to concern yourself with such trifle things would be in the winter months, when the unstoppable horde of mutant zombies -- spawned from the nuclear radiation billowing in the air -- will be hibernating in their caves deep under the earth’s crust. Also, the weather is much nicer. (Thank you global warming!)
Now, where to begin? As there are very little plant and animal life surviving in this godforsaken wasteland we formally referred to as “Illinois”, your first inclination would be to consume the flesh of your friends and family. This is a mistake for two reasons. Firstly, they are, in fact, your loved ones. Eating them would not only weigh heavily on your conscience, but would perhaps forever damn you to a fiery pit of doom when you cast off your mortal coil. Secondly, they would be much more useful as bait than actual food. Here’s how you do it:
For starters, encourage your friends to bathe on a regular basis. This will wash away the general funk that grows on the skin in the event of an apocalypse. Next, try to gently smear barbeque sauce on any of their extremities. When asked why you would be smearing barbeque sauce on your friends, simply reply, “Keeps the mosquitoes away.” Hopefully, no one will realize that mosquitoes did not survive the destruction of the planet.
You might be wondering what you will be baiting with your barbeque sauce-covered companions. The answer is quite simple: bears. Bears will be only readily available food source, as it was recently discovered that certain breeds of grizzly bears are immune to any form of radiation, gamma or otherwise. Once the bear has taken the bait and begun to devour your friends, you should now be considering what method you will use to dispatch the creature. Your weapon of choice will be determined by your personal preference, but make sure your potential killing utensil is capable of handling the job. I like to scrutinize it under the “naked test”. Simply put, if you would feel uncomfortable handling the item in question without any clothes, it is most likely an able tool for killing. Use your best judgement here.
Once you’re adequately fattened on the flesh of your freshly-murdered bear, you should now be worried about finding a place to sleep for the night. Saunter over to the bear corpse and snatch its big, furry bear hide. Heave it onto your shoulders and begin practicing on becoming a bear. Swoop up fish from a stream. Growl. Slog through the woods. Eat honey.
Now that you’re a fairly accurate representation of a bear, simply saunter into a bear cave and live amongst your new bear brethren. Bears are stupid and won’t notice that you’re only wearing a bear skin hide. Mooch off the bears until you become hungry again, and then make a new human friend to offer as bait to the stupid, stupid bears.
And that is how to survive in this post-apocalyptic hell hole. Remember to keep your socks dry, your stomach relatively full of bear meat, and live life to the fullest...because you’ll most likely become mutant food in the near future.

And the Lord Said, "Let There Be Sales"

It may be too early to start talking about the “War on Christmas,” the annual assault on Jesus made mainstream by the secular “progressives,” but it’s certainly not too early to begin talking about the “War on Christmas in July.”
Christmas in July is one of our nations most sacred institutions and was started, like all good things, in the bible. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story of Jesus arriving at the temple of Jul LiMikdash one day and finding that merchants had set up shop and charging the locals exorbitant prices for their wares. This infuriated our carpenter lord and he went into a rampage...on prices, that is! Jesus calmly told the merchants to reduce the cost of their wares, so that the people could purchase Christian-quality goods at Buddhist prices. The price-reduction was a great success and the people of Jerusalem were happy. The merchants were so pleased with his idea (and how could they not be!) that the following year, after the crucifixion, they reduced their prices yet again, calling it the Christ in Jul LiMikdash Sale. Jesus was very pleased (from heaven). When the pilgrims arrived in the new world, they brought their most revered traditions and holidays – including Christmas, bringing pestilence to Native Americans, and a little holiday they referred to as Christmas in July.
This holiday teaches us many lessons, including that we should always give freely to the less fortunate (for monetary compensation) and that religion should never be used for financial gain.* So why are the Satanists/Democrats trying to secularize this holy day? Perhaps we’ll never know, for evil is their way, but it has become evident that their efforts are beginning to succeed.
For example, many Wal-Mart greeters have begun welcoming their patrons with a “Happy Holidays in July.” I got news for you, Wal-Mart: Jesus did not die on the cross for low, low prices so that you can celebrate by calling it “Happy Holidays.” Blasphemy is never happy.
Even though we are already within the month of May, many stores have yet to announce their Julymas savings, most likely to due to pressure from the secular “progressives.” Fear not the unbelievers, retail stores! Announce your savings and announce them proudly! In fact, Christmas in July sales should no longer be limited to just one month. If this country wants to be counted among the saved, it should begin celebrating Christmas in July in December.
So remember, put your July Tree out early this year and keep on believing, or else Jesus won’t come down your chimney and bring you coupons in the middle of the night.


*I’d like to give a shout-out to Pat Robertson, who went out yesterday and bought himself a new jet – The Christ Cares Force One. Looks good on ya’, P-Ro!

My Heart and the News

So this evening I am plagued with a question whose answer I suspect has alluded mankind for decades. “If I could have sex with any political pundit I wanted, who would it be? Eenie meenie miney moe. I wonder where my wiener will go?” Eventually it came down to two women, Allison Stewart from MSNBC and Michelle Malkin, syndicated columnist and occasional anchorwoman for Fox News.

You may have noticed that Ann Coulter did not make the list, and, seeing said leggy blonde on TV with the sound off you may wonder why. This is due to a recent policy I have enacted involving my penis and not sticking it into things that are crazier than I am. Even though this policy allows for generous amounts of leeway, Coulter still couldn’t make the cut. Example: “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.” Good luck next year, Ann (psycho).

Now, Michelle has a big plus in hotness for her side, and that is, she is ultra-conservative and actually will even sub for Bill O’Reilly on occassion. Those of you who know me are aware that while I do not consider myself a liberal, I am certainly not an ultra-conservative. This lends Michelle an air of danger, like I’m attracted to something I’m not supposed to be. Have you ever walked in on your grandma changing and kind’ve enjoyed it? It’s kinda like that.

In addition to being dangerous, it also means she has a virginal quality about her. I have often fantasized about taking her behind a pew and showing her the radical left-wing art of oral love. I would show her strange positions from foreign lands, limbs entwined in passionate bliss, and afterwards -- when she’s finished reading her bible verse for the day -- she would ask me, “What do you call that strange position?” and I would say, “Spoons, baby. We call that the spoons.”

On the reverse, being so conservative would most likely mean we would never agree on anything. For instance, not only did I find "Chocolate Jesus" hilarious, but I was ready to find a giant marshmellow and two large pieces of graham crackers to make a Jesus’more (or, alternatively, several smaller marshmellows, some milk, a source of heat, and a mug to create a Hot Cocoa Christ).

But don’t count out Allison Stewart, oh no. She has plenty going for her that Malkin doesn’t. For one, she is a substitute anchor for Keith Olbermann, of whom I am a big fan. I am told on good authority that she has her own show in the daytime, which I have never seen and probably never will, since MSNBC is a ridiculous fucking channel (just like Fox News, CNN, etc., etc., ad nauseam). Sleeping with her, though, will bring me one step closer to Keith. If sleeping with Michelle is like walking in on your grandma all floppy and naked, sleeping with Allison would be like having sex with your friend’s sister, when you really want to sleep with your friend.

Not only that, but Allison has that whole “I’m a sassy black woman who speaks her mind” thing going on. Which is cool and all, but while I’m teaching Michelle the intricate details of girl-on-top, I think Allison would be teaching me a thing or two. Afterwards, when I’m finished reading my bible verses, I would ask, “What the fuck did you do to me?” and she would reply. “Forks, dude.”

On the basis of physical beauty, Allison wins hands down. However, Malkin has been known to put on a skirt and jump around a bit. I love the way she ridicules the democrats. So cute.

So who wins in the end? Not me, since I waste my time thinking about this crap.

I Love Street Fighter (Too Much)

I love Street Fighter.
The game has probably influenced me more than it should have. For instance, whenever I feel like picking a fight with someone, I typically approach them, wrists touching and arms thrust forward, yelling “Hadoken!” This reference is lost on most people and does not produce the desired intimidation effect.
I am many different types of nerd, but I will always be a fighting game nerd. To this day, the phrase “Viper uppercut” will cause me to lie supine on the ground in tears. This is not surprising, considering that I spent most of my childhood and the better part of my adolescence hating that one-eyed, Thai-boxing son of a bitch. Sagat is my albatross.
I know Ken’s last name (Masters), the name of his wife (Eliza), and the name of his son (Mel Masters).
Up until I was 18 years old, I just kind’ve assumed that all Indian people were stretchy, which is why I’m no longer allowed at the Taste of India restaurant in Springfield. That, and they discourage yelling “Show me Yoga Fire, asshole!” at the help.
Sometimes I forget that Middle Eastern is an ethnic category. This is because there was never an Arab Street Fighter character. They even had a French guy for god’s sake, the least athletically capable group in history, but not a single dude in a turban. Even Disney had Aladdin. This confuses me, and the global map in my head has a huge hole in it. I typically fill it with hundreds of tiny Japans.
Also, T. Hawk is not Mexican. He is a ridiculous stereotype of an ethnic group nowhere close to Mexico. Stop fucking with my head, Capcom.
On occasion, I will refer to Mike Tyson as “Balrog.”
Cars can be destroyed by doing the same kick over and over again. This is a scientific fact and I will go to my grave believing it.
“Skullomania” is in my daily vocabulary. Skullomania!
I am one of the few people to realize that a Street Fighter One exists. Sure, you probably considered the fact that two minus one equals one, but have you seen the game? Did you know where Eagle came from?
There is a constant inner struggle within my psyche as to what to refer to the characters sometimes. Do I use their English names or their Japanese names? I’m aware that three characters pulled the ole’ switcheroo for the English version of Street Fighter II (Balrog was originally called Mike Bison. Chicken = Buffalo. Get it?). This piece of trivia confuses the hell out of people once I start referring to characters as Vegarog.
I can perform the Shun Goku Satsu.
And yes, I have contemplated who would win in a fight between Bishamon and Sodom. (Bishamon, but only because he’s a ghost and therefore cannot technically be killed.)
I technically lost my virginity to a picture of Cammy in a video game magazine when I was 14 years old. When I finished, I yelled “Skullomania!” at the sight of the shameful, sticky mess I had created.
I have long decided that the theme song from Ken’s stage in Street Fighter II will be played at my wedding. I will most likely be marrying nobody.
Take a moment to consider your own genitals and the attention they receive from other people. It is for all the above reasons that I have listed that I do not gain that same attention. Cherish it.

So You've Decided to Get Out of Bed

Step One: Determine Why You’re Getting Out of Bed

I mean, seriously, what do you have that’s worth living for anyway? Do you have a job? Are you getting laid? Do you have a job getting laid? Not only will this first step determine the manner in which you get out of bed, it also determines whether or not you should vacate your comfortable resting area in the first place. Because let’s be honest here, a lot of things just aren’t worth getting out of bed for. Playing cricket, for instance. Stamp-collecting. Voting. Taking a walk through the park. All of these things are crappy and make our world a terrible place to live in.

Step Two: Open Your Eyes

Now this step can get kind of tricky. Eyelids on their own weigh next to nothing, but when multiplied by the vast quantities of human laziness, each one can weigh up to ten pounds. That’s, like, two full babies on your face. To help counteract the infants of sleepiness, most people employ the use of a “alarm clock”. This is a loud, annoying device that forces your eyes open without you having to do any work. Without it, most of humanity would never see the light of day.

Step Three: Assess the Situation

Now that your eyes are open and you’re awake, you need to observe your surroundings; you could potentially be in danger. Things you should check for include, but are not limited to: unfamiliar surroundings, bear traps, strange animals, strange people, fire, strange people on fire, circus clowns, republicans, a relative lying next to you, your own limbs (unattached), a perpetual sense of low self-esteem, and cougars. If any or all of these are in the room with you, proceed to step six. If not, continue reading.

Step Four: Put Your Legs Over the Bed

This step is important in determining your mood for the day. Depending on how wide the arc of your legs is, you may or may not be grouchy, or in scientific terms, a big, fussy baby. When cheerful people wake up in the morning, their legs create a 270 degree arc from the bed to the floor and yell out “whee!”. For normal people, the arc is much less and saying “whee!” is optional. Ninety degrees if you’re lucky. You may or may not experience a short fall to the floor when you attempt this step for the first time. If you do, give up. Lay there.

Step Five: Sit Up

Upsey daisy!

Step Six: Get Out of Bed

Alright, here we go. The culmination of steps one through five finally come to fruition. You’re probably wondering what the big secret is. I’d be happy to tell you. My personal strategy is to stand up. Some people prefer to roll towards their destination, which is also good. I’ve also seen a few people raise one fist in the air, run off and say “whoosh” in imitation of Superman, but they are few and far between. So I would recommend standing up. Yep. That’s it. Stand up.

Step Seven: Go Do Your Thing

Remember step one? Of course you do. Now take your step one dreams and make them your step seven reality. Lying beyond the threshold is your destiny, your reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Perhaps today is the day that you will change the world, challenge old ideas, seize the day! Maybe it was predestined that you would wake up on this day, get out of bed, and make the world a better place to be! However, chances are equally good that you’ll amount to nothing.

A Review of Audioslave's New Album - Revelations

If someone placed before you the new Audioslave CD and about 1,215 tablets of Flintstone’s multivitamins and gave you a choice between the two, it would be wise for you take the Flintstone’s multivitamins.
Why? Well, there are several good reasons. First and foremost, Audioslave’s new album, “Revelations,” really blows. Now, there’s not a nice way to say that an album really blows, so here’s a really great mean way to say it: Take the Flintstone vitamins.
The human body is an amazing, intricate display of biology and chemistry. The wonder and beauty of it is something scientists have been researching since there have been scientists around to research things. One of the things that is truly astounding about the human body, is that too much of a good thing can kill it. Water, for instance, if ingested in large amounts, will kill a person. We’re talking about water here. That’s nothing to say of the numerous amounts of vitamins and minerals that you’re putting into your body every day. An overdose of any one of these will, if you’re lucky, make you very sick, and, if you’re anything less than lucky, make you dead.
Now where do the Flintstones vitamins fit into this equation? It’s quite simple. After eating around 1,215 tablets of Flintstones vitamins, there will be about 4,860 grams of iron in your system*, which, depending on your weight (this particular instance is suited to a 180 lb. person) will give you an iron toxicity.
But what is an iron toxicity and why would you prefer it over the new Audioslave CD? Well, a toxicity to iron will give a person multiple symptoms, including oligura, diarrhea, hypothermia, diphasic shock and metabolic acidosis. You may not know what all these diseases are, and that’s ok. You really just have to look at some of them to know that you don’t want any of it. “Diphasic shock” sounds particularly uncomfortable. You don’t have to know what a “diphasic” is to know that you don’t want it shocked.
So if you weigh 180 lbs. or less, you will not only experience all these painful afflictions, but you will eventually die. Now I know what you’re thinking: the new Audioslave couldn’t possibly be that bad that you would rather die than listen to it. And you’d be right, too. That would be a ridiculous conclusion to arrive at. However, think of all the attention your dead body would receive after your life was ended by Flintstone’s chewables. You would be the only person in the history of the world to die by a children’s multivitamin, and that kind of publicity is priceless. You would be an Internet legend in minutes. And, if you felt really ambitious, you could only eat one shape of Flintstones character, which would make you the only person to ever be killed by Barney Rubble.
Seriously though, avoid the new Audioslave CD and Flintstones multivitamins. Both are deadly.

* – The author of this piece is an English and Journalism major. He has not had to use 7th grade math since 7th grade and is not responsible for multiplication error.