Sunday, December 2, 2007

Extending the Corn-Flavored Olive Branch

I sleep on a futon mattress on the floor. Haircuts have become a luxury. And at one point, I found myself thinking, "If they just took out the superfluous flavoring, Ramen noodles could be five cents cheaper." It was at that point I discovered, "Wow, I am very poor."

Writing is great. Don't get me wrong. At a time when most people my age -- even those with degrees -- are working whatever damn job they can find (not their fault, usually. I know some people that are more industrious and much, much smarter than I am, who can't find a job in their field. Damn you baby boomers. Fucking retire already!) I'm in a position where I get to do what I've always wanted to do, and I couldn't be more happy. It does, however, come at a steep price, and that price is eating solely inside a food group that consists of Ramen noodles, 25-cent mac n' cheese, and the occasional 44-cent can of corn. You may think that all corn tastes the same. Let me assure you, my friends, you are mistaken. You are sorely mistaken.

And so, while I was watching the cars pass on my sleepy street in the suburbs of Seattle, it occurred to me, "Ya know, a few extra bucks wouldn't be too bad." I don't need golf money, but maybe a little frisbee golf money would be nice, which is when I thought of my latest New Year's Resolution.

New Year's Resolution #4 - Create a profitable business


Dear Seattlites,

Are you retarded? Of course you are. But it's not your fault! Driving in snow is hard, and your Honda hybrid just wasn't made for moving through territory that wasn't your own pretentiousness and hipster attitude. That's why when it comes time to drive in the snow, you seem to only be able to go at idling speed, brake with severe intensity, and endanger the lives of the hippie children you've spawned that are playing in the streets.

But we can help! At Midwest Snow Drivers Inc., we'll take this relatively simple task and do it for you. Let us drive you around through the snow. We'll even handle tough situations, like accelerating, decelerating and maybe even a turn or two! (Turn fees will be applied.) And, if you're lucky, you can stop listening to Coltrane on your ipod and learn a thing or two! Ha ha ha, just kidding, Seattle! We know you can't afford to stop looking cool for that long! (The baristas from Starbucks might be watching.)

But you might be wondering, "Won't all that gas hurt the environment?" Not to worry! At Midwest Snow Drivers Inc., we use only the most organic-est ingredients! That means that our gas was raised out in the open, not in cages, and comes from only the finest natural resources nature has to offer! Our gas hasn't been injected with growth hormones, antibiotics or preservatives. It's the same gas Al Gore uses in his SUV!

So what're you waiting for? Pick up the phone right now and dial 1-800-INO-SMRT and let us handle the simple tasks that inexplicably perplex you!
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