Here's what I decided to do for my review of the movie, Cronos, by director Guillermo del Toro: I'm going to do this in the form of a short play.
(The curtain opens and the audience sees a young, long-haired bearded man sitting on a couch in front of a small TV. He is wearing khakis, five-year-old Vans, and a blue collared shirt over a white t-shirt. He picks up a remote control and turns the TV on.)
Narrator: This is a story about a crazy bug-clock that makes people live forever!
Kevin: (with great exuberance) Hooray! Del Toro you make everything candy-coated awesome!
(Kevin is silent for a few moments while the movies plays)
Kevin: Wooow! The DVD case makes strawberry ice cream!
(Kevin sits, pensively, taking notes and occasionally nodding)
Kevin: So if the bodyguard is named Angel...the young girl is named Aurora...and the old man is named Jesus...that makes this movie about Watergate? No, that can't be right. Is Christianity the bug-clock? What is the significance of Ron Perlman's nose?
(Kevin throws the notebook in frustration)
Kevin: English degree! You have failed me once again!
(Kevin remains on the couch, far away from the notebook)
Kevin: Hm...it's not nearly as good as Pan's Labyrinth...but it's still amazing and I love it!
(Suddenly, a pudgy, hairy Mexican enters the den)
Del Toro: sup?
Del Toro: So what do you think of the movie? Won the Cannes you know.
Kevin: Get the fuck out of here. Really? Well Gui, I thought that it was really well-done and combines a lot of these brilliant story-telling techniques that you've become so wonderfully known for. In fact, I was just thinking to myself that you might be on the verge of redefining the horror genre to include macabre and allegorical magical realism, or, dare I say, creating your own--
(Guillermo Del Toro slaps Kevin across the face)
Kevin: Ow! Guillermo, why did you hit me? Did I say something wrong?
Del Toro: No, you were pretty much spot on with everything.
(Guillermo Del Toro punches Kevin in the stomach)
Kevin: Guillermo! Your name is so much fun to say, but I have to protest! Please, stop hitting me! (crying) Why are you doing this?
Del Toro: Because I'm Guillermo Del Toro, and you're going to love everything that I do, even if it hurts you.
Kevin: That's not true!
(Del Toro is now repeatedly striking Kevin in the face with a brick)
Del Toro: Yes it is. What did you think of Hellboy?
Kevin: Loved it. Greatest movie ever. Three thumbs up. I wish it were a burly man so it could take advantage of me.
Del Toro: See?
(A hospital room. Kevin is covered in bandages except for two holes to see through and one hole to breath through. Del Toro is sitting by his side with a weird...fairy thing on his shoulder.)
Kevin: Well Guillermo, you've taught me an important lesson. I shouldn't be drawn into fruitless director worship. You deserve praise when you earn it, and while Cronos was unique in its own right, it wasn't perfect and it definitely wasn't scary.
Del Toro: That's right.
Kevin: And Hellboy sucked. Big time.
Del Toro: I can see my work is done here.
Kevin: Thanks again for teaching me so much, Guillermo!
Del Toro: Anytime! Uh, hey, before I go...can you, like, do stuff with that breathing hole?
Kevin: Do stuff? What do you mean? What kind of stuff?
(Del Toro mounts Kevin's chest with his back facing the audience. An unzipping noise can be heard.)
Kevin: Madre di dios! NOOOOOOOO!!!