Saturday, December 8, 2007

All About Me

In case you're just joining us, let me sum up this little corner of the internet. For the most part, this blog is about two things. The first thing is me. Me me me me me me me me I am awesome me. The second, much less important thing is how crazy Seattle be. And trust me, it be crazy. For instance, Google "USB Greenhouse". A Seattlite came up with that nonsense.

Here in Seattle, everyone is very, very concerned with their own bodies. Their daily lives are a testament to Narcissus himself (a.k.a. ME). If there is something bad that can be put into your body, a Seattlite has nailed it to a cross and then burned it, while jogging. Every piece of food here is open-range, no anti-biotic, no growth hormone, no taste, no blah bloo blee blah. You get what I'm saying.

However, I'm an open-minded individual, and I will admit whenever Seattle comes up with a good idea. For instance, while taking care of their bodies, Seattlites (are you as sick of that word as I am yet?) are also very keen on communicating with their bodies as well, which gave me an idea for my next new year's resolution.

New Year's Resolution #10 - Burn down a Starbucks

No, wait, that's not right.

New Year's Resolution #10 - Burn down a Starbucks
New Year's Resolution #10 - Communicate with my body




Dear Hands,

Thank you for doing all the work, just about all the time. Without you, I would be very, very poor, unless they invented a keyboard large enough for me to type with my wrists, in which case, fuck you, you lazy bastards.

Sincerely,
Kevin Warzala





Dear Eyes,

According to Wikipedia, human beings have been evolving for the past 200,000 years, and our ancestors for millions of years before that. Evolution has allowed humans to become the smartest, most advanced creature on the planet and possibly even the universe. It can be argued that for our all faults, biology and the genetic lottery has blessed our animal species with the tools necessary to not only benefit all of mankind, but all living creatures and even the earth itself. One could even go so far as to say that the evolution of human beings is the greatest thing that has ever happened on this planet. Every beautiful piece of art, every scientific fact and every thing good in this world can be attributed to human beings evolving into the genetic powerhouses they are today. Now, having said that, explain to me why I can't see two inches in front of my face without glasses. I hope you feel bad about that. You just disappointed evolution.

Sincerely,
Kevin Warzala





Dear Brain,

I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER! YOU WILL OBEY ME! DO MY BIDDING, PEON!

Sincerely,
Kevin Warzala





Dear Left Ear,

Don't let the other guy know, but you're my favorite. Kisses!

Sincerely,
Kevin Warzala





Dear Penis,

Can't you like, take a break for two seconds so I can get some work done?
Oh. Wow.
No, no I guess you really can't take a break can you?

Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Kevin Warzala
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