Friday, October 19, 2007

So You've Decided to Get Out of Bed

Step One: Determine Why You’re Getting Out of Bed

I mean, seriously, what do you have that’s worth living for anyway? Do you have a job? Are you getting laid? Do you have a job getting laid? Not only will this first step determine the manner in which you get out of bed, it also determines whether or not you should vacate your comfortable resting area in the first place. Because let’s be honest here, a lot of things just aren’t worth getting out of bed for. Playing cricket, for instance. Stamp-collecting. Voting. Taking a walk through the park. All of these things are crappy and make our world a terrible place to live in.

Step Two: Open Your Eyes

Now this step can get kind of tricky. Eyelids on their own weigh next to nothing, but when multiplied by the vast quantities of human laziness, each one can weigh up to ten pounds. That’s, like, two full babies on your face. To help counteract the infants of sleepiness, most people employ the use of a “alarm clock”. This is a loud, annoying device that forces your eyes open without you having to do any work. Without it, most of humanity would never see the light of day.

Step Three: Assess the Situation

Now that your eyes are open and you’re awake, you need to observe your surroundings; you could potentially be in danger. Things you should check for include, but are not limited to: unfamiliar surroundings, bear traps, strange animals, strange people, fire, strange people on fire, circus clowns, republicans, a relative lying next to you, your own limbs (unattached), a perpetual sense of low self-esteem, and cougars. If any or all of these are in the room with you, proceed to step six. If not, continue reading.

Step Four: Put Your Legs Over the Bed

This step is important in determining your mood for the day. Depending on how wide the arc of your legs is, you may or may not be grouchy, or in scientific terms, a big, fussy baby. When cheerful people wake up in the morning, their legs create a 270 degree arc from the bed to the floor and yell out “whee!”. For normal people, the arc is much less and saying “whee!” is optional. Ninety degrees if you’re lucky. You may or may not experience a short fall to the floor when you attempt this step for the first time. If you do, give up. Lay there.

Step Five: Sit Up

Upsey daisy!

Step Six: Get Out of Bed

Alright, here we go. The culmination of steps one through five finally come to fruition. You’re probably wondering what the big secret is. I’d be happy to tell you. My personal strategy is to stand up. Some people prefer to roll towards their destination, which is also good. I’ve also seen a few people raise one fist in the air, run off and say “whoosh” in imitation of Superman, but they are few and far between. So I would recommend standing up. Yep. That’s it. Stand up.

Step Seven: Go Do Your Thing

Remember step one? Of course you do. Now take your step one dreams and make them your step seven reality. Lying beyond the threshold is your destiny, your reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Perhaps today is the day that you will change the world, challenge old ideas, seize the day! Maybe it was predestined that you would wake up on this day, get out of bed, and make the world a better place to be! However, chances are equally good that you’ll amount to nothing.
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