Friday, October 19, 2007

A Review of Audioslave's New Album - Revelations

If someone placed before you the new Audioslave CD and about 1,215 tablets of Flintstone’s multivitamins and gave you a choice between the two, it would be wise for you take the Flintstone’s multivitamins.
Why? Well, there are several good reasons. First and foremost, Audioslave’s new album, “Revelations,” really blows. Now, there’s not a nice way to say that an album really blows, so here’s a really great mean way to say it: Take the Flintstone vitamins.
The human body is an amazing, intricate display of biology and chemistry. The wonder and beauty of it is something scientists have been researching since there have been scientists around to research things. One of the things that is truly astounding about the human body, is that too much of a good thing can kill it. Water, for instance, if ingested in large amounts, will kill a person. We’re talking about water here. That’s nothing to say of the numerous amounts of vitamins and minerals that you’re putting into your body every day. An overdose of any one of these will, if you’re lucky, make you very sick, and, if you’re anything less than lucky, make you dead.
Now where do the Flintstones vitamins fit into this equation? It’s quite simple. After eating around 1,215 tablets of Flintstones vitamins, there will be about 4,860 grams of iron in your system*, which, depending on your weight (this particular instance is suited to a 180 lb. person) will give you an iron toxicity.
But what is an iron toxicity and why would you prefer it over the new Audioslave CD? Well, a toxicity to iron will give a person multiple symptoms, including oligura, diarrhea, hypothermia, diphasic shock and metabolic acidosis. You may not know what all these diseases are, and that’s ok. You really just have to look at some of them to know that you don’t want any of it. “Diphasic shock” sounds particularly uncomfortable. You don’t have to know what a “diphasic” is to know that you don’t want it shocked.
So if you weigh 180 lbs. or less, you will not only experience all these painful afflictions, but you will eventually die. Now I know what you’re thinking: the new Audioslave couldn’t possibly be that bad that you would rather die than listen to it. And you’d be right, too. That would be a ridiculous conclusion to arrive at. However, think of all the attention your dead body would receive after your life was ended by Flintstone’s chewables. You would be the only person in the history of the world to die by a children’s multivitamin, and that kind of publicity is priceless. You would be an Internet legend in minutes. And, if you felt really ambitious, you could only eat one shape of Flintstones character, which would make you the only person to ever be killed by Barney Rubble.
Seriously though, avoid the new Audioslave CD and Flintstones multivitamins. Both are deadly.

* – The author of this piece is an English and Journalism major. He has not had to use 7th grade math since 7th grade and is not responsible for multiplication error.
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