Friday, October 19, 2007

My Heart and the News

So this evening I am plagued with a question whose answer I suspect has alluded mankind for decades. “If I could have sex with any political pundit I wanted, who would it be? Eenie meenie miney moe. I wonder where my wiener will go?” Eventually it came down to two women, Allison Stewart from MSNBC and Michelle Malkin, syndicated columnist and occasional anchorwoman for Fox News.

You may have noticed that Ann Coulter did not make the list, and, seeing said leggy blonde on TV with the sound off you may wonder why. This is due to a recent policy I have enacted involving my penis and not sticking it into things that are crazier than I am. Even though this policy allows for generous amounts of leeway, Coulter still couldn’t make the cut. Example: “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.” Good luck next year, Ann (psycho).

Now, Michelle has a big plus in hotness for her side, and that is, she is ultra-conservative and actually will even sub for Bill O’Reilly on occassion. Those of you who know me are aware that while I do not consider myself a liberal, I am certainly not an ultra-conservative. This lends Michelle an air of danger, like I’m attracted to something I’m not supposed to be. Have you ever walked in on your grandma changing and kind’ve enjoyed it? It’s kinda like that.

In addition to being dangerous, it also means she has a virginal quality about her. I have often fantasized about taking her behind a pew and showing her the radical left-wing art of oral love. I would show her strange positions from foreign lands, limbs entwined in passionate bliss, and afterwards -- when she’s finished reading her bible verse for the day -- she would ask me, “What do you call that strange position?” and I would say, “Spoons, baby. We call that the spoons.”

On the reverse, being so conservative would most likely mean we would never agree on anything. For instance, not only did I find "Chocolate Jesus" hilarious, but I was ready to find a giant marshmellow and two large pieces of graham crackers to make a Jesus’more (or, alternatively, several smaller marshmellows, some milk, a source of heat, and a mug to create a Hot Cocoa Christ).

But don’t count out Allison Stewart, oh no. She has plenty going for her that Malkin doesn’t. For one, she is a substitute anchor for Keith Olbermann, of whom I am a big fan. I am told on good authority that she has her own show in the daytime, which I have never seen and probably never will, since MSNBC is a ridiculous fucking channel (just like Fox News, CNN, etc., etc., ad nauseam). Sleeping with her, though, will bring me one step closer to Keith. If sleeping with Michelle is like walking in on your grandma all floppy and naked, sleeping with Allison would be like having sex with your friend’s sister, when you really want to sleep with your friend.

Not only that, but Allison has that whole “I’m a sassy black woman who speaks her mind” thing going on. Which is cool and all, but while I’m teaching Michelle the intricate details of girl-on-top, I think Allison would be teaching me a thing or two. Afterwards, when I’m finished reading my bible verses, I would ask, “What the fuck did you do to me?” and she would reply. “Forks, dude.”

On the basis of physical beauty, Allison wins hands down. However, Malkin has been known to put on a skirt and jump around a bit. I love the way she ridicules the democrats. So cute.

So who wins in the end? Not me, since I waste my time thinking about this crap.
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