Tuesday, October 23, 2007

How I Feel About Things and Junk and Stuff, Part Three - Rob That Squirrel of Its Juices and Drink 'Em

Have you ever been watching the Discovery Channel or the Travel Channel, maybe even Food Network, and there's a section about something weird that someone overseas likes to eat and they call it a "delicacy"?

"Why is 'Squirrel Urine' on this menu?"
"It's a delicacy in Quebec."
"Oh, well in that case, I'll take two pints of acorn-flavored piss."
"Very good. And would you like the brown or the gray squirrel?"

What I want to know is, what kind of "delicacies" do we have here in America? Is there a French guy sitting on his couch somewhere, watching Un Networke de Food, saying, "Sacre Bleau! Tomatoes? On their 'amburgres? Those disgusting Americannes."

I mean, I understand that some religions forbid the dining upon of certain animals, but I don't think they made these rules because their gods thought the animals tasted bad. Mosaic Law doesn't dictate that Jewish people shouldn't eat pigs because they're "not too tasty". (I would also like to know the Jewish ruling on acorn-flavored piss. I understand pigs are considered unclean, but what about a cool glass of nut pee?)

So here's my idea: let's play a joke on the world. In fact, let's play the same joke they play on us whenever those National Geographic cameras show up:

"Hey dude, here comes those National Geographic guys again. Let's mess with them."
"C'mon man, we already got them to believe that women don't wear shirts here, what else can we do?"
"Eat this beetle."
"No way, they'll never buy that."
"Trust me. We're like circus freaks to them. They'll believe anything."

What I'm suggesting is that we take an animal that is prolific in North American life (the more exclusive the better). Monkeys' brains, for instance, is a good example of this "delicacy" thing being weird to us, mainly because, scientifically speaking, dey ain't no monkeys here. Next, after we have a specie of animal, we need to exclude all other members of the specie, except for a specific part. For instance, "Americans love to eat raccoon tails, but only albino raccoons from South Carolina," or, "Hirsute armadillos are a rare delicacy in American cuisine."

What I predict will happen is that this will generate something like a Cuisine Cold War with each nation in the world trying to "out-weird" the other with food.

"Us South Africans love to eat elephant tusks."
"Oh yeah? Well I'm from Thailand, and I love to eat myself."
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