So now that the apocalypse has come and gone, we can once again being worrying about the simpler things in life, such as food and shelter. The best time to concern yourself with such trifle things would be in the winter months, when the unstoppable horde of mutant zombies -- spawned from the nuclear radiation billowing in the air -- will be hibernating in their caves deep under the earth’s crust. Also, the weather is much nicer. (Thank you global warming!)
Now, where to begin? As there are very little plant and animal life surviving in this godforsaken wasteland we formally referred to as “Illinois”, your first inclination would be to consume the flesh of your friends and family. This is a mistake for two reasons. Firstly, they are, in fact, your loved ones. Eating them would not only weigh heavily on your conscience, but would perhaps forever damn you to a fiery pit of doom when you cast off your mortal coil. Secondly, they would be much more useful as bait than actual food. Here’s how you do it:
For starters, encourage your friends to bathe on a regular basis. This will wash away the general funk that grows on the skin in the event of an apocalypse. Next, try to gently smear barbeque sauce on any of their extremities. When asked why you would be smearing barbeque sauce on your friends, simply reply, “Keeps the mosquitoes away.” Hopefully, no one will realize that mosquitoes did not survive the destruction of the planet.
You might be wondering what you will be baiting with your barbeque sauce-covered companions. The answer is quite simple: bears. Bears will be only readily available food source, as it was recently discovered that certain breeds of grizzly bears are immune to any form of radiation, gamma or otherwise. Once the bear has taken the bait and begun to devour your friends, you should now be considering what method you will use to dispatch the creature. Your weapon of choice will be determined by your personal preference, but make sure your potential killing utensil is capable of handling the job. I like to scrutinize it under the “naked test”. Simply put, if you would feel uncomfortable handling the item in question without any clothes, it is most likely an able tool for killing. Use your best judgement here.
Once you’re adequately fattened on the flesh of your freshly-murdered bear, you should now be worried about finding a place to sleep for the night. Saunter over to the bear corpse and snatch its big, furry bear hide. Heave it onto your shoulders and begin practicing on becoming a bear. Swoop up fish from a stream. Growl. Slog through the woods. Eat honey.
Now that you’re a fairly accurate representation of a bear, simply saunter into a bear cave and live amongst your new bear brethren. Bears are stupid and won’t notice that you’re only wearing a bear skin hide. Mooch off the bears until you become hungry again, and then make a new human friend to offer as bait to the stupid, stupid bears.
And that is how to survive in this post-apocalyptic hell hole. Remember to keep your socks dry, your stomach relatively full of bear meat, and live life to the fullest...because you’ll most likely become mutant food in the near future.